The Four Foundations method
I have used my years of work and studies as a psychotherapist, counsellor, NLP practitioner and coach to create a way of working that I believe goes deeper and is more impactful than any other form of coaching, therapy anthing else.
It is based on the four foundations that all of our lives are built upon.
The way you SEE your world.
We all shape the way we view our own worlds. Our views are formed by our past messages, experiences? or opinions. Together we will explore the deep unspoken beliefs that you have been subconsciously using to build a world that just doesn’t work for or benefit you anymore. It is like one of those trick pictures, the ones that can be two pictures but you can only see the one you first saw, until someone shows you the hidden picture and it all becomes clear.
Our views are nearly always conditioned by our past. If you view yourself to be a shy person your brain will look for all the ways and situations in your life that will back this view up. So for example you may go to a party and be too shy to talk to a certain person so you spend your time just talking with a group of people who are less intimidating. Your brain only knows itself as 'being' shy, so it will focus on the one person you DIDN'T speak to and not the group that you DID.
We start to decide these things about ourselves from a young teen age. We are all looking for where we fit in in the world. We start learning that in order to fit in I have to be X (shy, brave, loud, rebellious, perfect etc) and this over time becomes 'us'. We get so attached to the messages that our brain only starts looking for things to confirm this. We start subconsciously making choices that will confirm this.
Our brain's goal is to keep us safe and we know being 'shy' or whatever it is, is a safe place to be, even if it makes us miserable, holds us back or even hurts us, we know it is better than the unknown.
The way you SPEAK your world.
A coach once said to me 'We speak our own world into existence'. At the time I didn't realise how right he was, until I started looking at this myself.
A simple phrase like ' I always find the wrong type of person' or 'No one ever listens to me' may seem like harmless lines but repeated enough, they can start to manifest in truth.
This is not some kind of magic, but if your brain hears a phrase uttered often enough it will start to act like it is true until....you guessed it, it IS true.
I remember when I was really young in my first weeks of learning an instrument I wrote a song and was made to perform it at a party for my parents downstairs, it didn't go down well as they all laughed and mocked (I was like three weeks into learning and also didn't want to do it) but guess what for the rest of my life I would laugh and say 'oh I am not a good singer' I was in bands and music all of my life and I was crippled when it came to singing. Eventually I did self work on this and caught myself saying this, I would be embarrassed to share my music with anyone and music was a huge passion of mine, but latching on to this one phrase kept me safe and quiet.
The way you THINK about your world
The way we show up to any and every situation is predetermined. We are already subconsciously deciding what kind of person shows up to each day without even thinking about it. If you are going into a meeting and you end up being taken advantage of, then that was always going to happen.
If you were going to meet a partner and you were going to fight and be so stubborn they stormed off, your part was already decided.
If you go to the supermarket and you hand over a mango instead of an avocado, the cashier scans it and you say nothing. That was already written.
What we believe about ourselves subconsciously is something we carry around with us in secret. It is us deciding that we are THIS and wholeheartedly THIS and when I look around the room I will only see things that prove THIS! And NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT!
Before you went into that meeting where you were taken advantage of, you had years of messages creating a “Not good enough belief” you had something put upon you you fought in the past and it went badly so “don’t fight back” you were praised when you were a quiet child while your sibling was scolded for being too loud so “Being quiet is a good thing”. You did the chores just to keep your parents from getting so angry that you were scared so “Doing tasks asked of me keeps me safe” and all of a sudden your belief that you carry around long before that meeting comes with you and makes you show up in a certain way.
The belief about yourself that “ I am not good enough” or “My needs are not important” means every conversation you had in that meeting had these beliefs underlying them. Your brain is so hooked into this belief that it will purposefully only see things that prove it. (Similar to what we mentioned in SEE)
It is like when you buy a new car and suddenly you see that new make, model and colour car EVERYWHERE! Has the company just flogged all of this kind of car today?! No, but now it is this make, model and color are at the front of our mind we notice it. These cars have been there the whole time but our brain is working so hard it just focuses on what it wants to. Positive or negative.
The ACTIONS that you take.
So often so many of us know what works for us, we know what we need to do but we struggle to actually do what is needed to get there.
I know for me I used to be a perfectionist. I would have a great idea, I would draw up detailed plans of how it was going to go, then I needed to bounce it off people, I would need to do that 4 or 5 times, right, then we make tweaks here and here, then I would need to add a new idea in, I need the perfect time to act on it, I mean not right now I am not in the right headspace, I don’t feel confident enough, Let’s bounce it back off people again to be sure…..(insert excuses until idea fades)
An awesome coach introduced me to the distinction of Messy VS Right. See I was always so caught up in everything being just perfect, everything being right, that usually someone else got to the idea first, or I didn’t do the idea at all, most often through fear of rejection or failure.
I was scared about failing.
“So what? What does that actually mean?” he said.
“I guess people might laugh, people might think less of me as a coach, I might look stupid.” I said.
“Right ok, so by sitting there, doing nothing, what are people thinking of you?”
“I guess they’re not”
The ONLY way we can really learn, grow and get better is to FAIL. In science we try out an idea, different versions and fail over and over and over until eventually we learn what works!
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